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Postmodern Village
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From The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Chapter Three)
By Mark Twain and the EastWestern University Dada Cluster

The EastWestern University Dada Cluster is a society dedicated to using Microsoft Office®'s built-in dictionary and grammar checkers to correct works of literature. It has also been charged with using Babelfish to translate works of literature into foreign languages and back again.

[Corrected]

I had heard about some of these things before, but not all of them. Jim knower all kinds of signs. He said he knower most everything. I said it looked to me like all the signs was about bad luck, and so I asked him if there want any good-luck signs. He says:

"Mighty few – an’ DEY aunt no use to a body. What you want to know when good luck’s a-coming for? Want to keep it off?" And he said: "Eve yours got hairy arms en a hairy braes’, it’s a sign data yours agene to be rich. Well, day’s some use in a sign like data, ‘case it’s so fur ahead. You see, maybe yours got to be pox’ a long time fusty, en so you might get discourage’ en kill Josef ‘f you did’ know by de sign data you Gwynne to be rich bye-bye."

"Have you got hairy arms and a hairy breast, Jim?"

"What’s de use to ax data question? Don’t you see I has?"

"Well, are you rich?"

"No, but I been rich wants, and Gwynne to be rich aging. Wants I had often dollars, but I tuck to speculating’, en got busted out."

"What did you speculate in, Jim?"

"Well, fusty I tackled stock."

"What kind of stock?"

"Why, live stock -- cattle, you know. I put ten dollars in a cow. But I aim’ Gwynne to risk no mo’ money in stock. De cow up ‘n’ died on my hands."

"So you lost the ten dollars."

"No, I didn’t lose it all. I only loss’ ‘bout nine of it. I sole de hide en taller for a dollar en ten cents."

"You had five dollars and ten cents left. Did you speculate any more?"

"Yes. You know that one-lagged nigger data belongs to old Mist Brandish? Well, he sot up a bank, en say anybody data put in a dollar would get of’ dollars mo’ at de en’ err de year. Well, all de niggers went in, but dye didn’t have much. I wiz de only one data had much. So I stuck out for mo’ Dan of’ dollars, en I said ‘f I did’ get it I’d start a bank myself. Well, o’ course data nigger want’ to keep me out err de business, because he says dye want business ‘enough for two banks, so he say I could put in my five dollars en he pay me thirty-five at de en’ err de year.

"So I it. Den I reckoned I’d invest’ de thirty-five dollars right off en keep things a-moving’. Dye wiz a nigger name’ Bob, data had kvetched a wood-flat, en his master did’ know it; en I bought it offend him en told him to take de thirty-five dollars when de en’ err de year come; but somebody stole de wood-flat data night, en next day de one-lagged nigger say de bank’s busted. So dye did’ none up us get no money."

"What did you do with the ten cents, Jim?"

"Well, I ‘us Gwynne to spent’ it, but I had a dream, en de dream tale me to give it to a nigger name’ Balm -- Balm’s Ass dye call him for short; he’s one err deem chuckleheads, you know. But he’s lucky, dye say, en I see I want lucky. De dream say let Balm invest’ de ten cents en he’d make a raise for me. Well, Balm he tuck de money, en when he wiz in church he hear de preacher say data whoever give to de pox’ Len’ to de Lord, en boon’ to get his money back a handed times. So Balm he tuck en give de ten cents to de pox’, en laid low to see what wiz Gwynne to come of it."

"Well, what did come of it, Jim?"

"Neff never come of it. I could’ manage to clack data money no way; en Balm he could’. I aim’ Gwynne to Len’ no mo’ money ‘doubt I see de security. Boon’ to get you’ money back a handed times, de preacher says! Eve I could get de ten CENTS back, I’d call it squash, en be glad err de chants."

"Well, it’s all right anyway, Jim, long as you’re going to be rich again some time or other."

"Yes; en is rich now, come to look at it. I own myself; en is with eight handed dollars. I wish I had de money, I would’ want no mo’."

[Original]

I had heard about some of these things before, but not all of them. Jim knowed all kinds of signs. He said he knowed most everything. I said it looked to me like all the signs was about bad luck, and so I asked him if there warn’t any good-luck signs. He says:

"Mighty few -- an’ DEY ain’t no use to a body. What you want to know when good luck’s a-comin’ for? Want to keep it off?" And he said: "Ef you’s got hairy arms en a hairy breas’, it’s a sign dat you’s agwyne to be rich. Well, dey’s some use in a sign like dat, ‘kase it’s so fur ahead. You see, maybe you’s got to be po’ a long time fust, en so you might git discourage’ en kill yo’sef ‘f you didn’ know by de sign dat you gwyne to be rich bymeby."

"Have you got hairy arms and a hairy breast, Jim?"

"What’s de use to ax dat question? Don’t you see I has?"

"Well, are you rich?"

"No, but I ben rich wunst, and gwyne to be rich agin. Wunst I had foteen dollars, but I tuck to specalat’n’, en got busted out."

"What did you speculate in, Jim?"

"Well, fust I tackled stock."

"What kind of stock?"

"Why, live stock -- cattle, you know. I put ten dollars in a cow. But I ain’ gwyne to resk no mo’ money in stock. De cow up ‘n’ died on my han’s."

"So you lost the ten dollars."

"No, I didn’t lose it all. I on’y los’ ‘bout nine of it. I sole de hide en taller for a dollar en ten cents."

"You had five dollars and ten cents left. Did you speculate any more?"

"Yes. You know that one-laigged nigger dat b’longs to old Misto Bradish? Well, he sot up a bank, en say anybody dat put in a dollar would git fo’ dollars mo’ at de en’ er de year. Well, all de niggers went in, but dey didn’t have much. I wuz de on’y one dat had much. So I stuck out for mo’ dan fo’ dollars, en I said ‘f I didn’ git it I’d start a bank mysef. Well, o’ course dat nigger want’ to keep me out er de business, bekase he says dey warn’t business ‘nough for two banks, so he say I could put in my five dollars en he pay me thirty-five at de en’ er de year.

"So I done it. Den I reck’n’d I’d inves’ de thirty-five dollars right off en keep things a-movin’. Dey wuz a nigger name’ Bob, dat had ketched a wood-flat, en his marster didn’ know it; en I bought it off’n him en told him to take de thirty-five dollars when de en’ er de year come; but somebody stole de wood-flat dat night, en nex day de one-laigged nigger say de bank’s busted. So dey didn’ none uv us git no money."

"What did you do with the ten cents, Jim?"

"Well, I ‘uz gwyne to spen’ it, but I had a dream, en de dream tole me to give it to a nigger name’ Balum -- Balum’s Ass dey call him for short; he’s one er dem chuckleheads, you know. But he’s lucky, dey say, en I see I warn’t lucky. De dream say let Balum inves’ de ten cents en he’d make a raise for me. Well, Balum he tuck de money, en when he wuz in church he hear de preacher say dat whoever give to de po’ len’ to de Lord, en boun’ to git his money back a hund’d times. So Balum he tuck en give de ten cents to de po’, en laid low to see what wuz gwyne to come of it."

"Well, what did come of it, Jim?"

"Nuffn never come of it. I couldn’ manage to k’leck dat money no way; en Balum he couldn’. I ain’ gwyne to len’ no mo’ money ‘dout I see de security. Boun’ to git yo’ money back a hund’d times, de preacher says! Ef I could git de ten CENTS back, I’d call it squah, en be glad er de chanst."

"Well, it’s all right anyway, Jim, long as you’re going to be rich again some time or other."

"Yes; en I’s rich now, come to look at it. I owns mysef, en I’s wuth eight hund’d dollars. I wisht I had de money, I wouldn’ want no mo’."