25th Annual Mezza Motors® PostModern Village Conference, 2018
by T.S. DeHaviland
Silver Linings in the Tweetstorm
Elong Mink’s Mezza Motors® was kind enough to extend funding for this year’s conference as a result of a tweetstorm between the iconic tech giant and Purewater University president Johann Bordeaux. The results of this kerfuffle can still be found on the ‘net, but, suffice it to say, the term #InnovateThis! trended briefly. In short, wagers led to dares, and dares led to an actual cash infusion into the nascent Center for Applied Theoretical Speculation (CATS, formerly the Department of English). Most of the drama happened above our heads, frankly, heads still stuck in books from time-to-time; however, it worked out in our favor. The conference has never been so teched-up, or, ironically, so off the grid.
Marking the return to the Purewater campus proper, it seemed the sun was shining on this year’s gathering—because it literally was. This was fortunate for us, as Mink’s crack team of Disruptive Marketing Professionals arrived just in time to hastily erect a bank of solar panels atop venerable and recently remodeled Don Ho Hall. Spelling out “Buy Model Mu,” the panels provided enough juice to power our laptops and projectors and even roast a critical weenie or two.
The buzz seems to have pumped up attendance, as 1500 of you found your way to otherwise bucolic Purewater, Kansas to attend.
Bumps in the Road
Parking was, as always, a challenge, made worse by the fact that this year’s conference happened to coincide with the Purewater University InnovateURFace DevSmash Hackathon, but the situation was alleviated somewhat by a fleet of Mezza Motors® Model Mu mild-atomic hybrid vehicles, semi-autonomously shuttling conferees from the various parking areas to the ukulele-esque architecture of the conference center itself. The cars worked silently, diligently, and reliably—until, that is, one caught fire. Specialists were consulted, and we have been assured that no measurable fallout, literal or figurative, is expected.
The lack of arrests this year (#sad, #pathetic, Ed.) was somewhat offset by the panic among the staff of the physical plant, who rushed to the scene of the melting Model Mu, which sparked and flamed until it settled down into a glowing mass of demi-robotic goo. Lead walls, having been mothballed since the days of the full-body fluoroscope, were hurried to the site from the Medical Sciences storage unit in order to contain errant ions. The only known injury was to Elong Mink’s (in)famous ego, as the Model Mu’s “phone home” feature tweeted out its dying line “Nothing to see here! Move along!” before the spectacular meltdown could fry its delicate circuitry.
And move along shall we. Following please find our take on this year’s conference.
Remember to #InnovateThis!