I used to
get drunk before meeting journalists
by Francine
DuBois
"There's no politician I miss more. [Congressman Jim] Traficant
was a terrific guest not simply because he was compulsively outrageous
and wore a hairpiece that looked like a raccoon, but because he was
willing to appear on television drunk. . . . Relatively few take the
risk. . . . Traficant was proud to be drunk on television." -
Tucker Carlson, Politicians, Partisans, and Parasites: My Adventures
in Cable News
"If you don't get those cameras out of my face, I'm gonna go
8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that'll clear this
room!" — Traficant to photojournalists covering his House
ethics subcommittee hearing, Washington
Post. More Traficant quotes available here.
He was a dynamo, in most senses,
A forceful, energetic individual,
A powerful conductor of static electricity,
And not the least of which,
An apparatus in which vapor or gas is formed.
"Actually, my body is a lethal, lethal weapon."
No disagreement here.
"And then when I get out, I will grab a sword like Maximus Meridius
Demidius and as a gladiator I will stab people in the crotch."
The crotch-slaying Congressman from Ohio . . .
"When I go to the floor for my final execution, I'll dress in
a denim suit," Traficant said. "It will be part Willie Nelson,
John Wayne, Will Smith (Men in Black), James Brown. Maybe I'll
do a Michael Jackson moon walk."
Behold the Congressman of the common man, the downtrodden. Convicted
of taking bribes (would you? wouldn't you?) and kickbacks, he'll call
upon the collective pop culture of American heroes and celebrity felons.
My Congressman probably doesn't even know who James Brown is, much
less have any desire to reference him. Good God, y'all.
This is what I miss about politics: the fun, the insanity, the drunkeness.
Instead, mass hysteria, trampling of Constitutional rights, lies, and
laziness comprise politics. Where's our Ross Perot? Where's our Falstaff?
Francine's Version -- Hezekiah's
Version -- Inspiration
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Poem -- Table of Contents
