The
Adventures of Tex and Red, Scruburban Cowboys
By The Consortium of Concerned Satirists
Establishing shots: Tex and Red drive their massive Chevy Suburban
across the four lane blacktop outside sprawling Plano, Texas, arriving
at a rare empty piece of land. They spot a strange and beautiful plant
at the side of the road. It is bull nettle, Urtica dioica Laportea
canadensis.
Tex: Boy, looka' that bush over thar. Sure is purty and down-home lookin'!
Red: I’ll say. Let's pull over for a little look-see.
MLS: They pull over.
Tex: Dang! Lookit all them thorns 'n such!
Red: Yup, shore looks thorny alright.
Highway sounds whoosh through the background.
Tex: Must be one tough little shrub.
Red: I reckon.
TS: They pause as they both contemplate the strange plant.
Red: Hey! Let's thump in once and see if it shakes!
TS: He thumps it with his gator-skin cowboy boots to little effect.
Tex: Not even a flinch!
Red: You know what, Tex? That bush has got what's called re-solve.
Tex: Hoowee, Red! You know some awful big words!
LSes intercut with MCSes: They contemplate some more. Perhaps they're
just staring mindlessly. It is hard to tell.
Tex: Hey, Red.
Red: Yeah, Tex?
Tex: I'm a gonna' sit on it.
Red: Naw.
Tex. Yup. I'm a gonna' pull down my jeans and sit on that old, thorny
prickle bush.
Red: (Amazed.) Well, I never . . .
TS, as before: Tex unbuckles his outsized belt buckle, unzips,
slides down his jeans and underwear simultaneously, and sits on the
cactus.
Red: Is it prickly?
Tex, his entire face puckering: Gol-dangit! It prickles! Hoooweee!
Red: Move over. Give me a try.
TS: Red pulls his Wranglers down as well and sits.
Red: Haw! Dag-nabit! That ol' boy prickles!
Tex: I think I got me a sticker a' goin' up my cornhole!
TS: In the background, the Suburban has burst into flame.
Red: Consarn it! I’m a hurtin'! My m-rods feels like they is
about ta' bust!
Tex: Hoo!
Red: I’ll tell ya', Tex. That ol' prickle bush has some re-solve.
MLS: They both stand up and pull their blue jeans back up, rezipping
and rebuckling.
TS: They look at each other, then at the cactus.
Tex: Red?
Red: Yeah, Tex?
Tex: Let’s do it agin'.
Fade to black.
