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Standardized Test from SACT Corp.

Let’s face it: we’re all frustrated. We all have to do too much too often and for too little personal gain - financial or otherwise.

The following was discovered in the trash of a major producer of standardized tests by our crack researcher and sometime private eye, Brick Shitgas, and seems to represent the problems even those who produce those already maddening tests face just trying to produce them.

- The Editors


Form A, ver. 1.2

1. Fill in the answer that you think is best.

2. DO NOT MARK MORE THAN ONE ANSWER PER QUESTION.

3. Use a Number 2 pencil only.

4. You may use a piece of scratch paper to help you answer the questions.

5. You may NOT write on the test booklet.

6. Please erase any extra marks from the test answer sheet.

7. Please do not answer randomly, filling in bubbles so they make pictures of clowns, heads, cobra snakes, monkeys, abstract expressionist paintings, fighter jets, naked women, or anything else.

8. “C” is not always the correct answer.

9. Should you fall asleep during the test period, please do not snore. It disturbs other test takers.

10. Get plenty of fiber.

11. The fiber referred to in line 10 excludes the test booklet or answer sheet.

12. Random grunting or low moaning or other simulations of sexual pleasure or orgasm will not improve your score on the test.

13. Ink used to print the test is non-toxic. Therefore, sniffing or snorting the test booklet or answer sheet will NOT produce a euphoric “high.”

14. Please refrain from talking during the test.

15. Voices you may hear in your head during the test are most likely the result of paranoid delusions, possibly produced by studying too long for the test. Ignore them.

16. DO NOT CHEW GUM. EVER!

17. Paper cuts produced as a result of handling the test material (test booklet or answer sheet) are not the responsibility of the Standard American College Testing Corp. and imply no liability on the part of the Standard American College Testing Corp., its administration or distributors.

18. What’s that smell? Jesus! Did somebody fart in here?

19. Passing of noxious intestinal gasses during the test is STRICTLY PROHIBITED and may result in test answer sheet being voided.

20. The Standard American College Testing Corp. test is designed to accurately reflect the learning of college-bound students. Please, do your best.