Refried Bean
by E.W. Wilder
Bean Newton went through a stage in the early ‘90s, at about
the same time as the Gulf War, and partially as a result of pent-up
reactions to Reagan-era politics, during which he took to questioning
everything - literally - and made a good-faith effort to redefine
it all. Problematically, though not a bit surprisingly, this sent
him back to the institutional setting that had defined his late adolescence.
Records show him signing a release at SunnySail Rehab Center “Beanie
Baby” with little apparent irony.
The following poem, one of many bearing the title “Definitions”
from this period, was found in Newton’s file at SunnySail scrawled
on a napkin stolen from the rehab center’s cafeteria in what
seems to be magenta Crayola crayon.
Definitions
by Bean Newton
stoat: not an elephant
happiness: a contented stoat
hunger: biscuits of stoat
starvation: stoat biscuits covered in stoat sauce
anchor management: the last resort of the fetid seaman
G.D.P.: how much your stoat makes
foreign policy: how to bomb a stoat
national security: It’s 10:00 o’ clock; do you know where
your stoat is?
parental control: how to hit your stoat with a nite stick and not leave
visible bruises
parental control (2): There’s no such thing as sex. My stoat
wouldn’t do that, anyway.
clod: balled stoat
cloud: misty stoat
heaven: Mysti Stoat
hell: de-mystified stoat (on a bun)
purgation: how to heave a stoat
anti-emetic: Pepto-stoat-imol
mental illness: global stoat consciousness
mental illin’ness: rap-funk-rock-stoat fusion (w/ a peppermint
twist)
elvin magic: they’re stoat-ily-delicious
dessert: whipped stoat (w/ a cherry on top)
capital investment: stoat01(k)
modern meat-packing: “Them Mexicans sure know how to butcher
a stoat.”
carpel-tunnel: inflammation of the stoat
Green Kegs & Spam: a children’s book by Dr. Stoat
pinball: the subject of The Who’s rock opera Tommy
Tommy: brand-name stoat
Logostoat: It’s all around you. Like the q-waves beamed from
the network of government satellites. Where were you when they assassinated
Jim Jones?
