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Postmodern Village
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The Mainly Annual
EastWesterly Review/Postmodern Village
14th Annual
Conference

Spitzer M. Gibbon Skodol Williams IDysfunction Junction: the Psychological Counseling Industry Invades the Mall, or Affluenza as Dispersed in the DSM Storefront, a Marketing Perspective
by Spitzer M. Gibbon Skodol Williams I

This reporter could only barely follow the complex interweaving of spreadsheet logic and case-study analytics, but it is relatively certain that Williams shows that all consumers are crazy and that the only way to reach them is to market to them the cure. Williams's PowerPoint was hypnotic, though. Must. Go. To. Borders. And. Buy. This. Book.

Hannah Wynnchester-HendersonVegas as American Microcosm: Decay, Rebirth and Denial in the Desert
by Hannah Wynnchester-Henderson

With plenty of footage of size 22 tourists shopping for size 0 capri pants in the Bellagio, Wynnchester-Henderson draws a parallel to the developers who saw skyscraper condos, casinos and hotels in the middle of the desert. Hannah claims all America loves a makeover; the free makeup samples did seem to go fast.

Col. Whitney Jean Parker-SloanA Comprehensive Study of the Migration Patterns of Showgirls and Elvises in the Greater Las Vega$ Region by Subspecies
by Col. Whitney Jean Parker-Sloan

Little known outside the narrow confines of biological anthropology is that both showgirls and Elvises are actually separate subspecies of homo sapiens: homo sapiens highsteppa and homo sapiens hiptwisticus respectively. They flock every year to various locations in the desert southwest to rehearse, choreograph, and plan strategy, but until now no one could comprehensively say when or where. Thanks to researchers like Parker-Sloan, now we can. Plus, the paper's auditors ended up buried under tons of rhinestones and yards of leg. What happens at the conference, stays at the conference*.

þFrom Prince to Prince Harry: Misbehavior and Salvation in Royalty, Witnessing Jehovah Through the Lens of the Paparazzi
by þ

Can media scrutiny really save souls? Well, it can certainly crucify and resurrect, as Mary-Kate and Ashley and, of course, John Davidson represent. þ's contentions stretch credulity, though, when he suggests we all spend our 15 minutes of fame on video camera confessionals. This correspondent will take his absolution the old-fashioned way: through Absolut and into amnesia.

Jackie StalwickStellar! Stellar! Linda Goodman's Sun Signs for Streetcar
by Jackie Stalwick

In the seminal work Sun Signs by Linda Goodman (Aries), she recommends using astrology to understand "fictional hereos and heroines." To do so, Stalwick (Gemini) showed hypothetical star charts for Stanley (Aries) and Stella (Libra) Kowalski and Blanche DuBois (Cancer). Wonder what the Kowalskis' baby would be?

A. Pexi KurvatchurChicago Box Stylin': the Effect of Sport Compact Culture on the Pizza Delivery Industry, a Post-Colonial Perspective
By A. Pexi Kurvatchur

That most pizza delivery is done by immigrants from nations that have only relatively recently thrown off the colonial yoke is well known. That their experience carving traffic is beginning to show up as prowess at the track is less so. That SCCA events can be read as text is rrrr-evo-lutionary. And all throughout, Kurvatchur knocked down nary a cone.

Hillary HardcoreSpa-Ghetto Westerns: Hip-Hop Values as Postmodern Frontier Pastiche
by Hillary Hardcore

Sampling Ennio Morricone is nothing new: Bomb the Bass used The Good, the Bad and the Ugly in "Beat Dis" back in 1987. What is new is the embrace of the frontier as metaphor for the new realities of hip-hop: the uncharted lands that the Dirty South rappers are creating for themselves with the wealth of (Cash) Money. Why, you can even buy yourself a white schoolteacher if'n you want – but we all know there ain't no demand for them types. With their own lexicon, own values and of course, own brand of justice, it's a brave new world out there in the suburbs for hip-hop's bandits, gangstas and other ne'er-do wells.

Nopi YoshiRicer Roni: Sport Compact Counter Culture from Ferlinghetti to GReddy
by Nopi Yoshi

Long (dis)regarded as punks and hot-rod wannabes, Yoshi makes a good case for California's car-modifying, Fast and Furious-watching, sticker-happy set as the true inheritors of the Beat Generation's bad-ass attitude. If only they could jettison the rhyme like they nozzle the nitrous, methinks he'd be on to something.

This reporter sincerely hopes that you have enjoyed this coverage of the 14th Annual Postmodern Village Conference. Please call again if you have any further questions. Our lines are always open!

* Apparently, this is not always the case, as photographers managed to capture Stan Wankey, drunk on Bangalore Torpedos (a lethal combination of chai, rum and Angostura bitters), kissing local favorite Francine DuBois three times behind the bleachers of Amatta and Rayhal's "Chicken Karmann-Ghia" paper presentation and amateur road race. The resulting scandal seemed to stupefy Western-minded journalists and academicians, but apparently Indian culture, for as advanced as it is technologically, is behind the times when it comes to public displays of affection. The resulting riots by socially conservative Hindu and Muslim activist groups shut down Kodandarampura for three days (one for each kiss!), virtually halting the virtual conference, as well as most actual commerce in the area.

Police with Bangalore torpedos (the weapon, not the cocktail) and water cannons were brought in when the factions turned on each other, and one neighborhood resident was quoted as saying "All this fighting over three little kisses? It's nonsense! And they've trampled all over my topiary Ganesh, already!"

The two sides were finally brought under control by a Michael Jackson impersonator and the differences decided with a cricket match, which, as of this writing, is still in progress.