Beauty
Is a Happy Stoat: A Play in Three Axe
by Hethaniel Dammit
A Production of The Plausible Deniability
Project in Association with PMV Productions
Cast of Characters
Iris: A shrewish, mouseish, rodentish housewife, who is secretly an
extreme hottie
Blubbery Jones: Her excreble, fat, bullying, buffalo of a husband
Jeem Bling: A green cricket of a fellow with a green goatee
Mr. Angst: An ancient, vaporous cloud of ill-will, but with a good
heart.
Act I
Setting: A dilapidated cabin-cruiser on a trailer in a mobile
home park. (Blubbery Jones is busy throwing various ropes off the boat
to try to chase away a seemingly endless array of stray cats and dogs.)
B.J.: Fuckers! (Iris appears from belowdecks.)
Iris: Honey-bunny-sugar-wooger! They’re just dogs!
B.J.: (To the dogs) Assholes! (To Iris) No thur not.
Thurs cats down there too. (Throws more items overboard: a windlass,
an old battered pony-keg, a half-consumed bottle of cheap whiskey. Iris
sighs and leans against her man.)
B.J.: Cocksuckers!
(From below and off stage left is heard a barking tenor voice,
as from a terrier)
Voice: Avast and ahoy, my good man! Watch where ye landeth your household
goods! (Iris shades her eyes and looks down.)
I: It’s Jeem Bling, honey. Come up Jeem!
B.J. Bollocks!
J.B. (Entering from stage left): Don’t mind if I do,
dear, don’t mind. (He climbs an old stepladder propped against
the ship’s prow. Blubbery Jones sits down on an old milk crate.
Jeem Bling is dressed in a green tuxedo with a matching top hat and
bright yellow shirt. He is spotless and reminds one of a Jiminy Cricket
of the high seas.)
B.J.: Christ.
J.B.: How’s me old mate Blubbery Jones this fine mid-(looks at
watch) heigh-ho!-late morning!?
B.J.: Eat my shorts, you fuck.
J.B.: Charming, as always, I see. And how is the lady Iris? (Offers
his hand to Iris. She tepidly extends hers; he takes it gently and stoops
to kiss it.)
B.J.: Not on my boat you don’t, you dandy! (Blubbery Jones
rises and handily knocks Jeem Bling over the side of the boat.)
She’s my bitch! I bought her fair and square from her no-good
father for a clapped-out doublewide! (He grabs Iris by the waist
- like King Kong only smellier - and throws her belowdecks. He shakes
his fist at the prostrate Bling.) And stay off, you cantelouper!
Act II
(The boat is in darkness. Iris, wearing a cheap terrycloth robe,
is seen climbing quickly up from belowdecks. She sits and contemplates
the full moon for awhile. A bad recording of crickets plays in the background)
I.: I know I shouldn’t be thinking about him. Dear God, help
me to not think about him. (She pops the top on a Diet Rite, covering
it to silence the noise retroactively, uselessly. She prays.) And,
dear God, let Blubbery Jones, my husband, die the bloody, painful death
he so deserves to die. (The robe shifts, revealing a huge, blue
bruise on her calf.) I know that doesn’t seem very Christian,
God, but the President said there are evil men in the world, (takes
a sip of her Diet Rite and begins to weep) and I believe it. (She
weeps.)
(Mr. Angst fades into view behind her. He places his ghostly hand
on her shoulder.)
M.A.: There, there, my little will-o-the-wisp.
I.: Wha-? Mr. Angst, the old bowling team captain! I thought you were
dead!
M.A.: Yes, child. The spite of the world has kept my tortured soul
here on Earth.
I.: Oh, so you’re just a ghost. I thought maybe . . .
M.A.: That I’d help to kill your husband? I would if I could,
the rat-bastard. But immaterial as I am, I can only haunt and cajole
you into doing it yourself.
I.: But. . . but . . . I’m only a woman. And I don’t look
like Farrah Falcetti. I’m no Charlie’s Angle. I can’t
fight or kick or anything.
M.A.: Remember your feminine wiles, my dear; remember your feminine
wiles. (He fades.) They’re a woman’s last resort
other than small caliber handguns, my child. (He disappears. Iris
looks at the moon a little while longer, not seeing Jeem Bling enter
stage left and contemplate her. After a minute or so, she goes back
belowdecks.)
J.B.: She’s a beaut, by cracky. I just know she is. That brute
of a husband of hers can’t see it, that gelatinous mass of puss-like
flesh. But I know it, for sure. I’ll have her if it’s the
last thing I do, make her part of my video collection if it takes an
act of last will and testimony. (Mr. Angst appears behind him.)
M.A.: Boo. (Jeem jumps like scalded cat.)
J.B.: Holy!
M.A.: There’s nothing holy about it, I’m afraid.
J.B.: You can say that again!
M.A.: I’m confined to walk the Earth and foment its spite. It
comes from a long and wretched life of anxiety and anger.
J.B.: Oh. Uh, any questionable sexual proclivities factor into creating
your penance?
M.A.: No. No. Why, do you -
J.B.: Never mind, my good man. Or my good, ex-man, as it were. My good
ex-bowling captain’s ghost -
M.A.: No, just two standard deviations from the mean. Nothing illegal
or really all that immoral. You mean maybe you’re afraid that
-
J.B.: - It doesn’t matter what I mean -
M.A.: What, like whips and chains. Or buggery, or maybe -
J.B.: Just give it a fucking rest already!
M.A.: - Fucking, yes, but there’s nothing wrong with just fucking,
within the sanctity of marriage, of course -
J.B.: Curse you!
M.A.: You’re too late for that, I’m afraid.
J.B.: Listen, you old - (He rolls up his sleeves as if preparing
to box. Mr. Angst turns an evil red. Lightning smites the ground next
to Jeem Bling.)
J.B.: Good G -
M.A.: Yes, she is, mostly. (He turns back to his usual, crappy,
grayish-brown color.) But there must be a balance. Divine retribution
isn’t always pretty.
J.B.: Listen, do you want something?
M.A.: I want - we want - you to be our agent of divine retribution!
(He turns red again. Thunder rolls in the background.)
J.B.: Me? But I’m just a, um, small businessman working out of
his trailer. I’m no agent of divine revenge. I mean, sure, I’m
a snappy dresser and all that, but . . .
M.A.: Jesus wasn’t. And Job was a complainer. John the Baptist
ate bugs and never bathed. Jonah had to have his ass swallowed before
he agreed to get the job done.
J.B.: You’re not going to try that old fish joke again - (Mr.
Angst turns red again, and again lightning strikes, this time singeing
Bling’s green top hat which smolders through the rest of Act II.)
J.B.: Ok! Ok! I’ll do it! What doth thou bid, oh great one?
M.A. (Back to normal): It’s not me, really; I’m
just a ghost.
J.B.: Oh, just tell me so I can go home and put the fire out.
M.A.: Kill Blubbery Jones! (Cheezy dramatic music swells.)
J.B.: But, I’ll be thrown in jail!
M.A.: Possibly. But them’s the breaks, kid. (Mr. Angst disappears;
the stage goes dark temporarily except for the low glow from the still
smoldering top hat. The lights gradually come back up. Iris’ head
appears above the deck. She slowly rises, then looks about her. She
sees Jeem Bling smoldering and looks startled at first, then pleased.
He notices her looking, then beckons her down the ladder. As he helps
her off the bottom rung, they embrace.)
J.B.: Come to me, Iris. Tell me something. How much do you love me?
I.: Oh, lots, I’m pretty sure.
J.B.: Enough to . . . enough to pose nude?
I. (Looking a bit sheepish): I - well, would my eyes be covered
by one of those little black bar thingies to protect my identity?
J.B.: Sure, there’s a market for that. It adds the hint of scandal
(snaps fingers).
I.: Scandal . . . Sure. Sure. (They stand embracing for a minute
or so. Cue crickets.)
J.B.: Iris.
I.: Yes.
J.B.: Iris, shall I kill thine husband? (Iris looks at him quite
seriously.)
I.: Oh, would you?
J.B.: For you, darling, I’d kill the whole world. (Mr. Angst
appears stage right, looks on approvingly.)
(Suddenly, from belowdecks): IRIS!!! (It’s Blubbery
Jones. He appears through the hatch.)
B.J.: Iris! You accur’st twat! You skanky-assed mega-ho! (Mr.
Angst, startled, disappears. Iris and Jeem, more startled, de-embrace.)
I.: Here, darling! Just kicking the neighbor’s dog! I heard him
barking like thunder earlier! (She kicks Jeem, hard. Jeem goes sprawling,
then crawls, yipping, off stage left.)
B.J.: Good! (He looks up, apparently thinking, which he seems to
do with some difficulty. Iris climbs the ladder.) I’ve got
a mind to thrash you anyway. (And just as she sets foot on the deck)
I.: Why? What for? I thought you hated those dogs!
B.J.: For insubordination! (He throws a half-empty whiskey bottle
at her, which she ducks. He then blunders across the deck, roaring and
ripping at his stained “wife-beater” t-shirt.) Worthless
cunt! (He grabs her and throws her onto the deck. She crawls to
the hatch. He kicks her down it.)
Act III
(The curtain rises again on the boat. It is early evening. The
sun is setting. This time, the cheezy background sound is cicadas. Blubbery
Jones is sitting on the deck in a lawn chair, which appears to nearly
collapse under his immense weight. He is drinking heavily: beer in one
hand, Jack Daniels in the other. It’s his “drinking night.”
Iris lays propped up on the railing at the boat’s prow. She is
dressed dangerously, in something short and red. Her lips and hair are
done. She is remarkably sexy - the dress is as low in the front as the
hem is high. She’s languidly, but nervously, sliding her feet
in and out of red, stiletto heels.)
B.J.: What’s got you all done up, bitch?
I.: I knew it was your drinking night. I wanted to look good.
B.J.: Fucking whore. (He drinks, first beer, then whiskey. He scratches
himself. He’s wearing boxer shorts and the inevitable t-shirt.)
Fuckhole.
I. (Seriously, and aside): Oh, I hope he shows: this was the
night we agreed to.
B.J.: Who you talking to, whore?
I.: Just Dahlia, one trailer over. (She waves.) Loved the
brownies, Dahlia! (Blubbery Jones snarls, drinks. Jeem Bling enters
stage left carrying a bowling bag and wearing the same suit, now with
a derby.)
J.B.: Ahoy and avast!
B.J. (Not looking over): Oh, Christ. What does he want?
I.: I’ll check. (As she crosses the deck, Jeem climbs the
ladder. Iris walks in the most outrageously seductive manner possible:
her lips, hair, waist, bosom, legs all of a scintillating piece. She
walks in a way that would make an average heterosexual male’s
teeth hurt out of sheer repressed lust. She offers her hand to Jeem,
who places his bowling bag on the deck, stands full upright, and looks
at Blubbery Jones. Iris stands next to him.)
J.B. (To Blubbery Jones): Hey old chum! (Blubbery Jones
sniffs, continues to drink.) Hey old chum, the guys down at the
league really miss you. They sent me along to bring you back. They said
they’d totally forgive you for stuffing Larry Looseneck into the
ball-return -
B.J.: Tell them to go to hell. (Flies Jeem the bird.)
J.B.: But, really, nobody picks up a spare like you . . .
B.J.: F-u-c-k off. (Flips with one hand, drinks with the other.)
J.B. (calmly): Won’t come, eh?
B.J.: Nope.
J.B. (more animated): Won’t come, eh?
B.J.: Fuck, no.
J.B. (excitedly): Won’t come, eh!
B.J.: Nope. And what you gonna do about it, wimp?
J.B. (calm again): Oh, nothing. (He opens the bowling bag and
begins, impossibly, due to the size and shape of the bag, to remove
a battle axe.) Just this! (The battle axe is preposterously
huge; it seems ready to topple little Jeem as he rears back and rushes
the seated and now quite surprised Blubbery Jones. As he advances, Iris,
not being burdened by a huge axe, rushes behind Jones and holds him
in place as he tries to rise to his feet. The first blow cuts a massive
gash in Blubbery Jones’ blubbery belly, spewing blood and fat
and booze onto the deck. As the cuts are made, an absurd volume of blood
spills onto the deck, many times more than even a body as huge as that
of Blubbery Jones could possibly contain. Jones attempt to defend himself
with his newly empty bottle of Jack Daniels, but Jeem Bling’s
next blow severs his arm. Blood gushes from the stump like out of a
fire hose, soaking Jeem and splashing Iris substantially. The next blow
lands squarely in the middle of Jones’ forehead. He rolls over
onto the deck, which is awash in blood. As Iris and Jeem move toward
one another to embrace, they both slip on the blood-slick deck and fall
onto the stage. Meanwhile, Mr. Angst has appeared stage right and, as
is his wont, looks on approvingly. Jeem and Iris flounder in the rivulets
of blood still streaming from the deck. Sirens are heard and flashing
lights shine from offstage.)
J.B.: Well, it looks like the jig is up. Still, ‘tis done, ain’t
it? (Iris sighs with pleasure, clinging to Jeem’s arm. Jeem
looks over at Mr. Angst.) I don’t suppose you could haunt
the jury and get me acquitted.
M.A.: Acquitted? What do you think I am, the Angel of Mercy? I’m
afraid that’s not my department.
J.B.: Yeah, well, I guess I didn’t expect - (A stray dog
wanders in from stage right, begins lapping up blood.)
M.A.: Crime of passion, though, that I might be able to do. First degree
manslaughter - murder two, tops.
J.B.: You’re not so evil after all . . .
M.A.: What’s evil got to do with anything?
Curtain
