Celebrity Urine Collectors
by Kevin Himes
They are the seediest side of Hollywood,
Worse than the star maps people and
The trash diggers. They will sell you
Christina Aquilera's bodily fluids
To make your garden thin out.
They can tell when George Clooney
Last ate asparagus with a knowing whiff.
A little bird told me that Ozzy Osbourne
Is dangerously dehydrated and
Sharon's electrolytes are a little off.
In certain circles, they are worshipped.
A minor celebrity's cast-offs can fetch
$75 a cup. Those who believe drinking
One's own urine makes them healthier
Drink the urine of the famous to become famous.
So the celebs must give up even urination to
The spotlight, living in their world where sweat
Sells, where a toilet seat becomes a camera,
Where your shit is stolen.