| EastWesterly
Review
|
The Mainly Annual
EastWesterly Review/Postmodern Village
13th Annual Conference
 J.
Edgar Woofer: Canine-Based Olfactory Analysis in the Golden
Age of Inter-Breed Terrah
by Woodward N. Bernstein and Skruffy MacGruff
Bernstein and MacGruff make a compelling case for letting
the Department of Homeland Security go to the dogs - literally.
It couldn’t be worse than what we’ve currently got,
after all, and, unlike the pudgy oaf who felt This Correspondent
up on the way down to Zamas, canines really don’t know
any better when they sniff your crotch.
|
 Keebler
Selves: Lacan, Foucault, Fudge Stripes, and the Lilliputianization
of the Common Consumer as Co-Modity, a Television Viewer’s
Perspective
by Mike Rowe-Klein
At one time we would have looked up to the literal stars when
we wanted to feel small and insignificant. Now, contends Rowe-Klein,
we look to the shimmering twinkle of Hillary Duff and Nick Lachey
on E.T. The planetarium-style PowerPoint™ presentation
of images stolen from Us Weekly’s website was
poignantly diminishing. Instead of leaving through the door,
those of us who harbored only normal egos just slid right under.
|
 The
Sad Economics of Earnest (and of the Impotence of the Being
of): a Po-Mo Reassignment Liturgy, or How to Make Smoking Your
Occupation
by Oksana Wildyule
Sometimes a cigar is just a phallic symbol, and Wildyule,
her thick, Russian accent mezzoing through elegant puffs, turned
This Correspondent as ingenuous as a newborn pup. The better
to sell to us, of course, but combined with those heels and
those long leather gloves . . . . It’s a good thing Cialis
is available in vending machines in Mexico. But then, that was
all part of the plan: to turn us into Eli-Lilly-livered buy-monkeys.
Cigar-fetishists beware: those things cause shrinkage! |
.jpg) Cataracts
and Effluent: Mountain Climbing Motifs from Hemingway to Kerouac,
an Allegory for Free Market Principles in Solid Waste Disposal
by B. Zinnis Todi® (a Wholly-Owned Subsidiary of The Cato
Institute)
Todi® was most compelling when, after the room filled
with garbage that he had pre-arranged to drop from the ceiling
and covered conferees in debris and a foul-smelling sludge,
he insisted that we pay him $20 each to pay a Mexican guy $2
to clean it all up. |
|  Bu-Cake-Aye,
or “I Got Yer ‘Sweet Cream’ Riiight Here!”:
Asian Porn Meets The Iron Chef
by Tommy Modismal and Kyle E. Dhong
Modismal and Dhong expose the steamy world of Asian porn where
experimentation and competition reign supreme. In a series of
films loosely translated into English as The Steel Trap
Clam, an eccentric billionaire challenges “married
couples” with a secret sexual maneuver. They have thirty
minutes to practice before performing before the judge, then
they are ranked on appearance, finale and “taste.”
Modismal and Dhong were obviously very eager for this to be
brought to The States. Ladies at this program ignored the room’s
hospitality spread for some reason.
|
 The
Commie Life: Kim Jong Il and Paris Hilton, Ballin’ Like
Stalin
by Buffy St. Viguccionne
It takes a cruel mind to pair Paris Hilton and Kim Jong Il
together, but as the outtakes from this never-to-be-aired reality
show prove, the two really have a lot in common. Their hilarious
experience car shopping for Hilton’s Range Rover had the
audience laughing at the utter predictability of the situation:
she looked for the vanity mirror and, while he was a bit interested
in that, he wanted to know from where one could fire missiles.
If this ever makes it to DVD or the Internet, don’t miss
Kim Jong Il explaining the power of propaganda to Paris. Yet
again, this reviewer left a session fearing for the state of
our world – and no amount of the free margaritas could
soothe that concern. |
Page 4 (papers continued)
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